A lot of questions have been surfacing about what happened at the Consumption. I am glad to see enough of you have seen the last 5 minutes of it and not listening to the other side saying it never happened. I have been able to piece together the broken bits of experiences for me based on other peoples’ recalling of the whole event in the Civic Center. Like Adam explained there are layers of the rite. The first is the idol of Kali. The one that stuck out to me was one of older dark stories, not the young blue skinned image that has been more widely accepted. When I saw it I knew there was something different about it. The way it looked at me I knew she was mine. Adam got it for me and it is deceivingly heavy. On the way home I sat in the front seat with her in the seat with me. I didn’t want her to be anywhere else. By a third of the trip home Adam started being more aggressive. Her energy was expanding already. When we were almost home I looked around outside and saw things destroyed, houses barely standing, trees gone, red sky. Kali and her destructive, bloody persona had made her way into my mind already, just having her in my lap. Then we got her home and as soon as she was in the back room Adam started being his jovial self. We got the red flowers soon after because her anger started pervading the rooms around her. When we got the garland I put them on her and almost immediately I felt internally happy and girly. The red flowers that adorned her was because it is said that red flowers pleased the goddess so she was easier to work with. Then there was the sitting down on the red pillow in front of her with the 108 bead japa mala and doing 3 mantras. The first one is Om Kleem Kalikayei Namaha. Basically it is me saying “Hi, I welcome she who is dark into me” I said this the first 27 times. On the Mala, every 27 beads is a lapis lazuli bead. When I came to that it lets me know to pause. Then the second mantra is Kring Kring Kring Hring Kring Dakshinee Kalike Kring Kring Kring Hring Hring Hung Hung Swaha. It was said 27 times. It is a prayer to her go gain her favor, to cause her gaze to turn to me. Then while practicing the rehearsal I drank water from the chalice next to the idol. After that was the time to be splashed with blood. For practice we used water in the bowl so that first time I knew what to expect but I was still surprised because the water was cold. But after that, the last 27 times I said Om Maha Kalyai Ca Vidmahe Smasana Vasinyai Ca Dhimahi Tanno Kali Prachodayat. This is pleasing for the goddess to hear and lets me gain her favor. In particular at the Civic Center that was the mantra I said to evoke her into me. I will interject here that Adam has described working with the Daeva in weekly ritual as them being a cell phone and talking with them on the phone and what I did was take that cell phone, cut a hole in to top of my head, and put the cell phone in the hole in my head and let it go. I laughed and I thought about it and said, that’s a good way of describing that. After rehearsals there were times it was harder to shake that concentrated anger after it was over. The anger and destruction of things around me, be it in the Dakhma or outdoors to have more room to do all 3 separate parts of the Consumption, kept growing during the last mantra. There was one rehearsal the people recording the documentary got that the rest of everyone could tell something wasn’t right so they all left Adam and I to ourselves and I fought letting her anger go. So Adam had to press chakra spots and told me to let her go and it was harder to. I wanted to keep that anger and let it grow. I wanted to start smashing that fucking statue and set the neighbors trees on fire and rip the fence out of the ground and smash the windows. I wanted to destroy it all. I know that when I came to again it was because they said Adam told me to walk barefoot around the fire pit. By then the other members felt comfortable enough to take things back inside. The rehearsals were fine but what got worse was the same bloody, screaming nightmares that repeated every night. I don’t feel able to talk about them now. She was pervading aspects of my life during the day and at work, when I was picking up, how I treated people outside of the house, Adam and the kids say I changed in my behaviors with them as well. There were times I was cleaning and they said it looked like a few steps of a dance, very, very flowing. And there were the physical changes as well too. I started to look younger and healthier. I became compulsed with wearing 2 sets of small silver hoops all the time and I bought a set of 16 silver bracelets at work, and felt happy hearing them jangle together. I was also lightening my hair and before the ritual dyed it brown from the multilayered colors of bleach. I got a brownish, golden look and there were times I was disgusted by it then one selfie on my phone I had my makeup spot on and stood in front of the Kali banner and was creeped out by it because the similarity in my hair with hers. I’m not that bad now, but it still comes in waves-wanting to physically become her as much as possible. Then came the night of the ritual. When I started walking down the hallway at the Civic Center it was lined with individual pockets of mass like the druj and divs were against the walls, greeting us with zest and energy. That morning Adam and the guys went inside to set up and they said it was empty down there earlier. But when we were set up before the ritual the energy from outside from all the crazy catholic prayers and high angst-and fainting from heat exhaustion-it was like I was hyper and ready to play. We did the black mass, I had some weird experiences with that, then after I recovered and the guys had set up for the Consumption I joined Adam on the stage so he can explain about Kali and what I would be doing. The smell of the oil was growing and starting to help me feel relaxed. Then it came time to start. I have to interject here and realize I hadn’t explained the mirrors. Those of you still reading, thank you. Have you ever been looking at a mirror and then see your reflection behind you in another mirror? Like at a department store as a kid and there were as set of like 4 mirrors in different angles so you can see how things you are trying on look? It has always been different for me. I felt like there was more behind the mirror than I saw. Well, in the Dakhma we have incorporated using 5 mirrors reflecting into each other. In theory if you have 2 mirrors reflecting off of each other it creates a gateway. So there are 2 gateways crossing each other. Adam having peeled back more layers in time has simply incorporated the guardians of the Dikpala. It is for the different directions around the room. Having said that I can return to the ritual in the Civic Center. I got in the mirrors in the pentagonal setup. When I sat on the pillow in the middle facing the idol, there were 2 mirrors pointing like an arrow, one on my left, one on my right, and one behind me. I have no memories of this but everyone said that I was reaching for one of the mirrors and it looked like I was grabbing something. I thought I was touching the idol in front of me. I was reaching for where the energy was coming from-making that physical connection with the deity. With the recital of the first mantra I saw things get darker and out of focus. I thought they had turned the lights low. I lose memory but during the second mantra I looked into her eyes, not right above them, as Adam directed me to during practice. According to the other people who had done the prayer around the statue when they were done, they watched me and said I became quieter and was reaching to the mirror and it looked like I wasn’t there mentally. I remember seeing the video camera down next to the left of the idol. I don’t know if Adam actually prompted me to drink but I remember the cold of the water in my mouth. I put the chalice down and jumped inside because the blood was poured on me. It was cold and thick and felt good. Then the next mantra was started and it got darker and colder. I felt goosebumps. Adam told me that the main camera the other people used was focused on me next to the idol while I was reaching for the mirror and the guy with the microphone was behind me. I could see between that on my left, outside of the mirrors, 3 individual figures. Then 4 on my right that was in my sight while focused on the idol. They were dark and ominous and corrupting but I felt safe so I knew that they were our guardians because as it easy for me to go through the mirrors to connect with something and pull her out to our side it is easy for something else to come with me. The next recollection I have is Adam picking my right arm up and I pulled back. I wanted to sit there and keep that connection going. As he pulled me up to standing I realized I didn’t want to put the mala down so while I was countering the heavy weight of every fiber of my being wanting to sit down, I remember putting the mala over me and I cooperated with coming out of the pentagonal mirrors. I was filled with red thoughts and sight but it was darker and I was cold and tired while I with help walked to get the knife. Then when I got the knife in my right hand I saw brighter around the idol of Mary, like they had a spotlight on her and I stalked around her like she was prey that was already dead before being sacrificed, like in war. The areas around her were dark. I only saw the mary idol and the square. The member that handed me the heart after the smashing said my eyes were black and he was thinking ‘how much of Kelsey is left in there now?’. The image I chose for my facebook profile is taken when I looked up at Adam. I have no recollection of seeing anything other than glimpses of the red on his robe and blackness. I remember feeling satisfied. The next memory is of Adam picking me up and I was shivering I was so cold and I felt like a baby animal trying to walk for the first time. But after that and up til now is another blog, this is just what I have pieced together of other people telling me what happened. And the last bit is my eyes stayed that ice blue for 3 days after the event before returning to their normal color.
Here is what is Left of Mary
THIS WAS THE GREAT CATHOLIC DEFENSE